In The Meantime

I try to pray every night. No, that doesn't mean I purposefully set aside time to meditate on God's character, but rather I chat with Him as a side-thought before I doze off. My words of prayer get interrupted by unrelated thoughts; video game clips that dance through the screen of my brain; and fake email conversations I conduct in my head.

Just like sending a casual text and waiting a day to respond back, I open lines and fail to participate in what I established. Perhaps some of my wandering musings reach an admirable depth, but no revelation replaces an interaction with God.

A couple of weeks ago, likely mid-prayer, I pondered in a half-asleep daze over the manners of conversation. How can someone have a relationship if they never talk? Friendships take effort. Parents can never understand their children unless they try. This isn't, by any interpretation, a foreign concept to grasp. Looking back on all of my loneliest times, a solution always waited for me the moment I reached out, making the process of healing drawn-out and far more painful than necessary. Even an introvert with a history of self-isolating herself knows she needs someone to lean on.

It doesn't come as a surprise that social distancing has also become an emotional quarantine. I wait for my friends to call without picking up the phone myself. I even find excuses why I can't reach out to God. Despite having more time and running around less, talking to Him has become a facsimile of all my human relationships.

So, on that half-praying, half-mind-wandering night, it hit me: just like my self-stunt social growth, I'm also the culprit in blocking off spiritual development.

I fell asleep ruminating on that thought. Unlike every other revelation that loses itself by morning, I've yet to stop running this one through my mind.

Sooner rather than later, I know I'm going to need to take action in my relationships. If I wait too long to talk to friends, I'm going to become miserable in my solitude. If I wait too long to talk to God, the unintended consequences will be far steeper. Thankfully, neither party will reject me for reaching out "too late" for them to care. There's grace in the mistake of loneliness.

At the same time, until I call, will something be lost? Until I pray regularly, how much will I miss out on in the meantime?